I once read that we teach people how to treat us. At the time, I thought it was silly. Teach people how to treat us. Frankly, their momma should have taught them how to treat people throughout their formative years & life should have reitterated the practice. That isn't exactly how it works, unfortunately. I think mostly, subconsciously, we teach people how to treat us. Respectfully speak your mind and they will know you have a voice. Show compassion & caring and they will know you have heart. Continually say 'I don't care' and well, you teach them that you, obviously, don't care. Stay silent and they often take advantage. Not necessarily, a malicious taking advantage of, but the ability to take advantage is there.
If asked, I would probably tell you that I am the same with everyone - what you see is what you get. True, in most cases, but unfortunately hindsight {eff'ing hindsight} shows me that I tweek to the person ... An irrational, difficult boss & I cowar to try to keep them stable and happy. Fragile friends & when asked - the advice offered is soft and fragile too, when they probably need a strong voice. Going out with a boy who doesn't want to talk about 'it' and I don't. I like everyone happy & sane & I like people to like me, but that being said, I also don't often mince words. I share my thoughts; I offer completely unsolicited advice; I speak my piece; I remind someone to speak up and communicate; I show sensitivity while standing my ground. At least I strive to do so...
Which leads me to an unfortunate personality trait known as 'overthinking' Is that what it's called? I try not to dwell on something, but I will replay the situation in my head to see where it could have changed roads, or outcomes. To assess where it went wrong, where I could have showed more compassion or stood taller for myself. I never thought much of my overthinking, or even knew of such a perfect word to describe my inner thoughts - and then I was sipping scotch and someone, someone I care about & respect his thoughts informed me that 'overthinking was my problem'
I am no saint, no where near perfect, not the smartest or the prettiest or always right - I make every attempt to be a good person who believes in karma and wholeheartedly wants the best for people. But 'overthinker' I never thought much about. I never thought my overthinking should be considered a negative. He's known me long enough to genuinely know my insecurities & my personality. Knows the background, knows a lot of my fears and has genuinely supported me along the way. In a time when email was scarce {think March of '95} he was the first to send me encouragement when a {long-shot} college rejected me, he pushed me towards a blog - he knows me with history. And then I overthought the idea of overthinking & he was kinda right. Overthinker I am, indeed.
The downfall {for me, at least} of someone calling you out on what you are before you ever thought or realized it, is how very thrown off you become... It silenced me. Worse, I didn't have any kind of response for such an adjective - which was delivered not negatively necessarily, but I automatically took it that way and the wall went up. I had no time to think about the statement so I didn't even really answer back. Rare, but with him when I didn't know what to say, I just left it hanging out there in the air.
In an ironic turn of events, I am pretty sure overthinking is what brought me to what seems-to-be last the straw of a sometimes compromised friendship. Not only did I have a crazy, all-too-real {more heart wrenching than dream with my mind playing tricks on me} nightmare. But I tossed and turned and overthought. Trying to make sense of it. And when barely prompted, I spoke up. I was honest. Admitting that I awoke suddenly from what seemed real and that I might be overthinking but the realness frightened me. I was raw. I was candid and quite matter of fact. {admittedly the delivery hadn't been thought through & the timing was terrible, but isn't that the case when the straw breaks? We are finally truthful not only with another person, but with ourselves} It was unrehearsed & from the heart.
To say he didn't handle it well, is putting it mildly.
I recapped the events with a dearie and was reminded that months ago when I was frustrated mostly with myself for not speaking up, I actually said to my friend something along the lines of I almost wish that the next time I see him, he hurts me. Hurts me bad enough just to stop riding this one person roller-coaster...
I guess the universe was listening. Because the reaction to my unfiltered, brutal honestly was awful. He hurt me. He didn't hurt me physically {sad that I feel like I have to make that clear} but his few words and his actions were unbelievably fascinating. Hurt in a way that didn't make sense. This strong, confident, successful grown man was reverting to actions of an insecure 16 year old. And I was on the receiving end. Hurt in a way that I am pretty sure is irreversable. Hurt in a below the belt, callous, wouldn't treat an enemy or stranger kind of way. Hurt in a way that shocked me so much, I didn't cry. Not a tear. I was angry. But angry & hurt {& maybe a little shocked}, I realized in that moment, makes me wildly honest. It didn't make me emotional or scared or unsure of what to think. It was the reverse, it made me take the way I had unintentionally taught him to treat & talk to me and ignore my fear of what he would feel or think.
It's a hard lesson. I hate the idea that I created the situation, but in a way, I did. I made it ok along the way. I merinated in my own mind on what I could have said. Silently Overthinking. And in a way, lying to both of us. I am not blaming myself. It is another painful reminder of the importance of communication and honesty in all relationships. I should have been the person with him that I am with {almost} everyone else. As I should be with everyone.
