Table Seven

Jason, Molly & other shananagins

I watched the wedding last night.  Two hours I will never get back, unfortunately.  What I cannot figure out, probably because truth be told, I was only listening with one ear, what the rush on their planning was -- it seemed as though they woke up one day, called Mike & Chris Harrison and said, 'let's do this, you pick up the tab' and poof, full on wedding planning was happening.  

I was bothered that Ty wasn't at the wedding.  At the very least, a ring bearer.  I would have made a tacky comment if Ty were the best man.  But not in attendance?  I mean, hello, insta-family. Include the little man.  Jason said with Ty and Molly his life is complete.  

There is a part of me that genuinely hoped that the person officiating the service was going to be Chris Harrison.  I'm thinking an online license to marry is something he should definitely look into.  A real crowd pleaser.  I mean, Chris would have kindly moved the hair out of Molly's during her vows and the torrential down pour - it bothered me that Jason just kept talking with his perma-smile and not once moved that rat's nest of hair from her face.

It was lovely to catch a glimpse of Jesse the snowboarder and some brunette that was stuck to him like glue hoping to get her small seconds of tv time.  Kiptyn was there, flying solo.  Deanna Pappas was there with her new boyfriend, the breakdancing twin.  Of course, Trista and hot fireman Ryan.  Ed and Jillian.  Charlie and Sarah - who said that their one year breakup really helped them to solidify their relations.  I wondered all throughout the show - do you think that Jason & Molly had to introduce themselves to most of the above people mentioned at the reception or if they all met at one of the bachelor/ette meet and greets.  I wonder if they have yearly reunions or happy hours in LA or NYC or if they all meet in Vail for a ski weekend hosted by Trista & Ryan? 

Molly walked down the aisle with her father to Jason Castro (an Aggie & former American Idol contestant) singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow on a banjo of sorts (think the Israel Kamakawiwo Ole' version) and as I am sure you could have guessed there was a rainbow in the sky overhead.  You can't make this up (without really thinking outside the box).  Anyway, he closed the ceremony singing a song of his own that wasn't half bad.  The name escapes me, but it was written across the screen, just incase I decide to check iTunes for the song for purchase.  Gavin Degraw was the musical guest at the wedding reception and evidently he is Molly's favorite and supposedly he sang Molly's favorite song.  She didn't seem all that excited.  If it was my wedding day and Chris Harrison (or my dad) made the announcement that one of my favorite singers was surprising me and all the sudden a piano and/or microphone appeared and Neil Diamond started singing 'cracklin rosie' or 'you are the best part of me' or 'beautiful noise' or 'forever in blue jeans' not only would I do the Toyota Jump (think commercials in 1988) I would have excitement written ALL OVER MY FACE.  Molly did not appear all that jazzed that her "favorite artist" was serenading her and Jason to her "favorite song" - sad. Fail. 

Like I said, two hours I won't get back.  But I am kinda excited about next Monday's 20/20 - an in depth look at the series and what happens after the final rose, for reals.  Mike Fleiss you have me on Monday night's or at least my recorder.  I'm embarrassed.

In other news, have you all seen this?  Who are these people?? - a woman, who is driving to go see her boyfriend decides to shave her lady bits. Understandable.  Except she decides to shave as she is driving AND while her ex-husband is in the passenger seat.  Oprah thought it was enough to call it a 'no phone zone' - who knew that wouldn't be near enough.  Read more about the ridiculousness here

And while I am on the subject of lady bits, last week I learned that something called vajazzling is available - I don't even know what to say...I thought they were making it up, turns out, vajazzling is real.  This is wrong and you should open at your own risk.  And I mean that.  I have so many things to say about this - I am overwhelmed with thoughts - does it hurt? friction? rhinestones may get lost? what if he were to choke on a rhinestone - explain that one to your mother, mother in law or boyfriend's mother? seriously? Once upon a time a lightning bolt was more than enough?! 

Finally, to bring it back around to my most guilty and ridiculous pleasure, the Bachelor -- evidently there is a video game due out this summer.  I am no gamer, but I might consider becoming one.  This game supposedly has the likeness of 5 former bachelors and bachelorettes.  I have to do more research on it, but here is some info.  Bringing the train wreck home.  Literally.

Bachelor Confession

Truth is I worked and watched the Olympics last night - how could I miss figure skating?! - and haven't watched Jake seduce the girls to the overnight suites and confess his love yet.  I will and I will recap, but to tide you over -- I am in Dallas for work and as I was driving this morning I heard Reality Steve on the radio.  I try not to read spoilers in most seasons, but this season, I really don't care about Jake.  I think the 'role' he is playing cannot under any circumstances be for real.  There is no NO WAY any of these girls would ever give him a second look in a bar. Or at a happy hour. Or in an airport.  Or in a field.   No way.  EVER! I just have a hard time believing it.  He is so straight-laced and perfect and can't find love, blah blah blah... I know several churches in the greater Dallas Metroplex with girls who are nice, religious, 'good' girls, and whose inner slut is trying so badly to get out that all they need is a guy who will treat them to dinner a couple times, seal it with a no pressure kiss and get married fast so they can do it. Knowing that, I have an extremely hard time believing Jake can't find love.   Anyway, my Bachelor confession is that I do read the spoilers but only after I have watched and after I have written for myself. 

Now then, in what Reality Steve referred to on air this morning as 'an exclusive' (I'm guessing because he has not written about the next episode yet) he said that in next week's Women-Tell-All, Roslyn and Jake are not even in the room at the same time.  Like I said, I haven't seen it yet, but from what I understand they show previews that have 'the most controversial bachelorette' (didnt they use that line with the single white female that stalked Jesse Palmer, or when Erica Rose was all socialite, out-spoken princess? I'm just saying...) Roslyn sits in the hot seat to talk about her 'flirtation' with a producer and later Jake talks about it as well, but they do not cross paths.  But they evidently made it seem like they went face to face.  Which makes me sad.  Sad, because it further delves into the belief that this is more than likely staged.  Sad, because Ali's company probably only pulled her back to work for a big account because Mike Fleiss called and asked them to do so.  Sad because Gia's real name is actually Gina and she just changed it to be on this show.  Sad because Tenley has probably been throwing leg left and right since her divorce and this whole 'I'm so wholesome and destroyed and looking for love' routine is all a misnomer.  Sad because Vienna is probably, very unfortunately, really like that in real life and she has more dates than I do and that hurts. 

So figure skating won.  And so did the Chinese despite that little slip.  And when I watch the cheesey glory sometime today I will comment as I am sure it's brutal.  It's 2 hours of my life I will never get back.  And what's worse than 2 hours, it's at least 8 weeks of 2 hours a week.  I am looking at a really long day that is gone, never to be again.  And yet, I love it and it's lies, lessons on how not to get a guy, and the girl I never want to be.  Almost an entire day of entertaining education.

Live Blogging - Jake Pavelka

Since my u-verse is still acting up, I am live blogging... 

First stop, Gia.  New York.  She needs a haircut.  Not a big one, but these Crystal Gayle-ish long locks are bad.  Do these people practice the sprint, jump and legs around the waist? They are too much.  Gia is falling for Jake, and he thinks he is falling for her too... They take a ferry out towards Ellis Island and Gia talks model to Jake with his point and shoot.  At one point she even poses 'sexy' with Lady Liberty in the background.  When did Jake get summertime jewelry?  Did he buy it on the street?  Take off the tribal necklace Jake.  

Jake is the first guy that Gia is bringing home that she hasnt been friends with for a while.   Gia doesnt talk about previous relationships bc she has been burned.  They were heartbreaking.  Jake doesnt like to let the sun go down with a big problem.  I was waiting for Elton John's dont let the sun go down on me to be playing in the background,  but sadly it was not...

There are going to dinner in a restaurant in NYC.  I can already tell when Gia's mom embraces her and starts shedding tears - this is going to be rough. Her mother has a Carmela Soprano something about her or belongs on Housewives of NYC but needs some false eyelashes and makeup. 

Jake tells Gia's brother that she has a way about her and there is an immediate chemistry with Gia.  Her brother has a bad 5' o'clock shadow, he is way over-gelled and his earring - there is no doubt that he wanted to be a member of N'Sync a few years back.  During the summer he will spend quality time on the Jersey Shore, only less orange and lacking the muscles.

NY/NJ definitions - Protecting means when someone is saying something bad about you, your love is going to take care of your back, if it means it is necessary to swipe the leg, break knees, or a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich.  Protecting.  Donna (the mom) likes Jake.  Donna thinks his body language is love for Gia.  She thinks he loves her girl. Donna is happy. Reach for the stars but make sure one foot is planted on the ground so you dont fall.  Oh Donna, you are so Casey Kasem right now. 

Jake unfortunately does not fit in this family portrait.  Erick threatens to hunt him down and break a few legs and our Soprano/Jersey Shore thought process is complete.  Protecting.

Gia is filled with hope and Jake is scared they are going to break his legs - he wants to get the hell out of NYC.

Ali.  They are picking up right where they left off.  He thinks she looks amazing - the girl is just wearing leggings, boots and walking funny, but whatever.  If Jake nudging closer to Ali is any indication of his dance moves, we are in a bad way.  Ali needs to try to say a sentence without saying 'like' - that is her Monday challenge. He digs Ali.  We pan to a clock (think Back to the Future) we see a cardinal resting on a tree branch.  Ali takes Jake to his grandmothers old house.  Ali became her grandmothers live in nurse and she was more like a mom to her.  And I am not going to make any jokes on this because as many as I can think of, I adored my yiayia.  Ali loves her grandmother like she loves her mom.  What I cannot understand is why the house is empty except for a photo of the grandmother from a little while back.  Jake thought it was sad and intimate.  I think they should rent it.   

Ali's family.  mom, Riya the older sister, and Mikey the little brother.  I'll go ahead and let yall know who dont watch that Ali is by far the cutest in her family.  By far. Jake goes outside with the mom, Riya and Ali go to the kitchen and recap about the excitement Ali feels.  Beth the mom wants to know how important family is to Jake.  And Jake is his best eagle scout tone lets Beth know that family is SO important.  Beth gave her blessing.  Why do I subject myself to this crap?   I tuned out for a couple of minutes but I came back when Ali said Jake asked her to marry him today, she would say yes.  I will say that he is acting like he feels the same. 

I cannot take these marry me commercials.  They are the utmost in cheesey.  I am not being cynical, I am being truthful.  There is a difference, FYI.  I do hope that she said yes, but I do not need to watch it and I am not going to go to abc.com to find out.

Quality time with Tenley and I didnt realize until the pre-commercial that Tenley is completely on the rebound post divorce. Like I think she signed the papers to her divorce and then immediately signed the papers on Mike Fleiss's contract for the Bachelor.  Her voice makes me want to throw myself through a glass door and I am not exagerrating. This is a nightmare.  

And just when I honestly, HONESTLY thought this couldn't get worse, Tenley loves to dance, so she choreographed a little something for him.  That's right, she choreographed a little something for him.  I am so upset. There is not enough wine or scotch in this house to help me through this.  This is a train wreck.  Of course, the disaster that is Jake is 'melting' in the chair.  I just vomitosed in my mouth.  Congratulations, Mike Fleiss -- when you cast Tenley, you didnt even expect this little dance.  I am dying, hungry and bored.  You dont care that I am hungry, but since this is liveblogging, I thought I'd be honest.

Sweet lord, during the commercial, they make A Charlie Brown Valentine into a commerical like the bachelor commercial.  Shame.  Shame, don't deface Charlie Brown like that, he has enough issues.

Tenley's family. Dad, mom and sister, Carly.  Her mom looks oddly young, but with terribly funky teeth.  Every week I ask myself why I watch this.  These are 2 hours that I cannot get back.  Ever.  Dad takes Jake to chat upstairs. With wine of course.  Her dad wants to make sure that he is the same guy filled with integrity that he saw on the previous season of the bachelor.  Jake thinks that Tenley would bring so much joy into a home.  Jake makes every parent believe their daughter is the only one, he should get an award, frankly. Tenley's dad is crying, my phone rang, I am going to assume he is crying because of something terribly profound, not just because he is on national television and his daughter may or may not say yes to forever to a man she barely knows.

Tenelys mom says Tenley is ready.  Well, no shit Tenley's mom - she just got out of a marriage, she is wounded and sad, she just needs a warm body in the bedroom and someone that can support her monetarily. I would say that is ready.

He asked Tenley's father for permission to marry his daughter.  Which maybe he did with all the girls, but they only showed this one.  Or maybe not.  Everyone in this segment shed a tear at one point or another.  This is killing me. Could Jake really wake up to that horrendous baby talk every single morning. That is miserable. PS - I only do not mention her sister Carly, because although she is mentioned at the very beginning of the segment, we don't see or hear a peep from her.  Now I wish I paid more attention.  What could be wrong with her.

Vienna.  Her nose, her teeth, her clothes, her terrible bleachiness.  Jake is blind and stupid if he thinks that forever with Vienna is a good idea.   For being born and raised in Florida, she lets Jake drive and hopes that he knows how to retie up the boat.  Don't you know how or are you so stupid that you haven't paid attention and everyone has done everything for you?  Vienna's dad didn't really know the guy she married when she ran off and eloped.  

When we get to Viennas house, her dad is playing with her Paris Hilton esque mini yipper dog.  This should act as a sign.  Vienna is not cute, but the rest of this family is way fugly.  Vienna tells her dad that she is falling hard for Jake.  Jake gets taken back to the dad's toy area.  Vincent wants Vienna to be treated like a princess.  He wants her 'happy & to be treated good.'  Are you an English professor, as well as a good judge of character, Vincent? Vienna's mom is what 42?  She had Vienna at 16? She looks young Jake asks Vienna about her ring -  It's my promise not to run off and get eloped again ring.  And then they go and talk and high school make out in her room jut so her father can walk in - so so so staged. He tells them he is going to wait outside but he wants 12 inches between them.  Oh Vincent that is probably what you did to Vienna in high school and I am gonna go ahead and guess it did not work out for you.  

Jake has made every girl and girl's family think that they are the only one.  I mean, he asked for Tenley's hand in marriage after he managed to make her entire family cry, he kept a straight face when Gia's brother threatened to get the Italian Mafia on his ass and he got Ali's dead grandmother's blessing.  I nominate Jake for a golden globe at the very least.  You are something else.  I mean I personally dont believe you, but there are thousands (at least) people watching this who are trying to figure out how Jake can truly love all three of them.  I am so uncomfortable. 

Time for a rose ceremony and Jake says he has fallen for all four and is just pondering life in his hotel room when ... knock knock knock... And here is Ali.  She is weepy and bottom quiver lip.  She has to choose between staying on the show or going back to work.  They have something really special  And life is about minimizing your regrets, you are so smart Jake.  He cant tell her what to do and he cannot tell her that he isnt going to put a ring on her finger?  Basically Ali will get fired if she stays.  I am pretty sure that Mike Fleiss told her company to do this - I cannot imagine some big ad campaign came through that only Ali can work on?  Jake tells her whatever she decides is ok, they kiss and Ali pouts her bottom lip and waves.  The door closes and Ali takes 4 steps before she just collapses in the hallway crying.  All Jake has is hope.  So. Much. Drama.  

Jake and Chris are debating what to do about Ali.  I am debating what I can scrounge from my pantry and not really miss much of the show.  How can he like Vienna?  Seriously.  Natural spark? That isnt a natural spark that is a glare that comes off her veneers when the sun hits them just right.  He is attracted to Gia and he claims it isn't her beauty.  I call BS - Gia is probably the most attractive girl he has ever dated.  In fact, seriously, why is Gia still interested in Jake? For the fame?  And Tenley?  How can he wake up to that baby talk every. single. day. Does he have a secret dream of opening a dance studio in Dallas?  

The rose ceremony is about to begin, but Ali needs to talk to Chris.  And then she is talking to Jake.  She didnt know she would fall in love.  I mean it is a show about finding your soulmate and husband and love but Ali is just so shocked that she fell in love.  Jake wants Ali to stay so HE can DUMP her, not the other way around.  Ali has to decide between the love that may or may not be or her job.  Is she wasted, or does she just look like it? Jake doesnt want her to go. He will be devastated if she leaves.  He might curb her next week, but this week, she needs to decide to stay.  Screw your job, chances are there is a gig for you on Good Morning America or Inside Edition or the TMZ show if this Jake thing doesnt work out.  You are bubbly - you can do stunts and fashion stuff. OMG quit it with the tears.  Just go.  Go so Mike Fleiss can bring you back on the very last episode so that you can sway Jake from his decision of Vienna.  Go. And make Jake cry.  And what worse is that we will never know who would have been Jake's fourth choice, because Ali would have stayed.  

No rose ceremony since Ali is gone and a trip to St Lucia is in their plans.  And then we see Ali's limo ride and tears that are debating if she made the right decision?  Gia you are out after the overnight dates, it's ok.  You will be fine.  It is between Tenley and Vienna.  Neither will make it the long haul. But you will probably be contractually obligated to attend Molly & Jason's wedding together for press purposes.  Like Bob and Estella.  How many more of these can we spend hours on?! 

Jake Pavelka - you are killing me

My u-verse is on the fritz, so we are typing live  and I missed the beginning where I am guessing they announced that no roses would be handed out til the end of the show.  I am also jumping in a little late - we are in the midst of Tenley making  fortune cookies

Tenley talks about how she took things for granted in her previous marriage, she didn’t greet him when he came home which turned out to be one of her biggest mistakes.  I am going to have to assume that lack of a greeting upon arrival home from a long day at the office was a mere detail of why her husband left her.  Maybe her voice had something to do with it. 

Tenley believes in respect and trust that Jake will love honor and respect no matter what

Marriage is filled with expectations.  Marriage cant be perfect but the love can be - Jake you are so profound.

Great convo magical kisses.  Then they open their fortune cookies to the enchanted command – kiss me.  On the wings of love instrumental...

Gia & Vienna are heading on a duo date and without much info on where they are heading a giant chest with clothes arrives for them.

Why is Vienna's hair that color? Why are Vienna’s veneers so huge.  I think she looks like Mr Ed.  It’s a terrible colored mane and a long horse nose.  You can send hate mail.  I am not the most beautiful girl in the world , but I don’t have a shit color job, an annoying voice, a bad nose and big teeth.  I have other issues.

Castle winery

Vienna claims - I'm my dad's princess and now I'm Jake's queen – I just barfed.  If her dad adores her so much and bought her 5 cars after all those accidents, why didn’t her dad give her a nose job?  Blame it on one of the car wrecks.  

Gia one on one time…

This is painful.  Are you falling for me bc I'm falling for you? Jake - it's ok to fall (bc frankly, I have never had someone so attractive fall for me, so I honestly do not know what to do.  You are HOT, Gia, my aviation friends always got hot girls, but I never did.  I know you are probably faking this for airtime, but dont you worry your pretty head,  it works)

Meanwhile, Vienna goes to find Jake.  She cannot handle that Gia & Jake are off enjoying some one on one time.  She needs to see him – she goes through this cellar with a lantern.  She is scared and searching and I cannot believe I am watching.  This is terrible television. 

Jake  you are such a boy scout.  ‘I'm sorry the house has been hard for you.’ Vienna -  ‘don’t worry, I am keeping my eye on the prize’  Que vomit.

They put Gia & Vienna is a room in the castle with twin beds and Jake is downstairs in a room with a big ole bed.  I do not understand why are they sleeping in the castle? Is it too late to go back to the house?  Vienna is concerned.  Jake is an idiot.  Gia is going to be fine when the show is over.

Vienna decides that she wants to go down to see him.  This bitch is crazy.  I don’t care that people are speculating that Vienna wins.  And maybe she does.  And if/when she does it will not last.  My largest sadness is that Vienna is going to be splashed across US weekly.

Jake had dirty toughts, bc Vienna was sexy as hell.  Sexy?  Seriously? That yellow dye job and Pinocchio nose?  It is so hard to watch them talk as they are always in different outfits… She left in her pjs,. And she is talking to the cameraman in her sequined top saying she just left.  You aren’t fooling me Mike Fleiss.  Jake sends Vienna back to the room without any hanky panky.

Now it is time for one on one with Corrie.  They are on a boat.  He is rowing.  Ducks, cameramen and a boat ride.  No conversation.  Instead of crickets you hear the ducks.  This is miserable.  She is going home – she is sad they haven't kissed.  The guy  goes 90 she goes 10 in her opinion.  While Jake says he  goes 80 she comes 20 in his opinion – hmmm., I am no math major, but that isn't going to work.   He thinks the night is slow, I am scared this is some of the worst television ever.

Furthermore, what is Corrie wearing.  She looks like an elementary school teacher who is getting ready to have reading time – she is super sweet and I have no doubt that she means well, but she is going to find love elsewhere.  Corrie is saving herself for marriage.  And she is going to have to keep saving.  Truth is, I tuned out and then I heard him ask her if she was saving herself – Dudley DoRight felt like that explained so much and he respects and appreciates her feelings and I am evidently a bitch.

Sidebar – at this commercial – my mom called to tell me that the girl should have stopped talking after she said she wouldn’t live with him.   Corrie, Maria thinks you should keep your mouth shut.  

Final date - Ali is going to show Jake around SF – why is Ali wearing a tshirt sun dress with boots?  And why is Vienna SO annoying. 

Jake gets Ali flowers, they walk down by the wharf – a bird has a crab (nice work little birdie) and now they picnic. But first she straddles him and massages his chest and then they kiss.  Ali is so excited, because people say that when you are in love everything is more beautiful and being here in SF with Jake, indeed everything is more beautiful.  Ali then hmms and haws about Vienna and then they kiss and run into the water.  Maybe that is why she wore boots?

Why does Tenley sound like an 8 yr old when she talks?  When they were casting for this show, was one of the traits they were looking for – a terribly annoying voice? 

Corrie - Just because I am a virgin doesn’t mean I am not in touch with my sensul side?  I am going to let that one go, but really why are you beating the dead horse? It is great that you are a virgin,  you can make that decision, but stop talking about it. Let. It. Go.

Gia  makes him feel different.  I am also going to leave that alone.

Why and how is he extremely attracted to Vienna.   

He has fallen for 5 women,  his heart is breaking bc he has to send someone home and he remembers that feeling with jillian.

Tenley.

Ali – who by the way was having an excellent hair night

Gia

And the final rose…. Vienna. Duh and why all at the same time…

Corrie was taking too long to open up and he couldn’t try it before he buys it on the overnight exotic date. 

And there is no rose ceremony next week.. 

I feel like that was speed dating, so apologies if it was choppy.  I have to tune out along the way to make it bearable.  This is some of the worst television I have ever decided to watch week after week.  I am disappointed in the spoilers, I think Jake is such a dork and I cannot handle his Dudley DoRight BS.  Painful.  And yet, I will be back next week.  Same bat time.  Same bat channel. 

Jake Pavelka - 2 for 1.

I just watched last night's episode and last week's episode.  Can someone please please please tell me why this is 2 hours?!  I wasn't really going to focus on last week's, except how can I not? I will be brief -  watching him squirm with Vienna before the bungee jumping was terrible.  He is such a puss.  I am not one for heights, never have been and don't plan on sky diving or bungee jumping, no need my feet are doing just fine here on the ground.  But to watch him be all cry baby into her shoulder.  What a tool.  I have said it so many times and I am almost embarrassed to say it again and again, but this is just a painful trainwreck.  Vienna is a spoiled little rich kid who has a terrible dye job and an even more terrible accent.  His good guy nerdiness, Capt Perfect attitude is ridiculous.  How are girls logically, honestly interested in this?! 

Group date - comedy club, special guest Jon Lovitz. What's better - the girls are the entertainment.  As if they aren't already.  Ashleigh breaks down out of nervousness and she can't be funny.   And then Jon Lovitz tells them they have to do the stand up act in front of Jake AND a live audience.  My favorite were the little old ladies in their hawaiian shirts who were part of the audience.  Ali goes first - a terrible Tigger and Pooh joke.  Jessie throws her family under the bus and calls them fat.   Tenley, the divorced virgin just put her feet behind her head.  Elizabeth the non kissing nanny told something that got bleeped, evidently it was raunchy, or so Jake said.  Next up is Kathryn, who asks Jake to come on stage and gets him to kiss her.  No punchline.  Poor Michelle needs to seriously consider checking herself into a special place because that bitch is crazy.  Ashleigh couldn't even get on the stage.  Corrie makes fun of the girls in the house.  The main victim being Vienna and that bothered Jake.  And now we have Ashleigh back on stage telling bad blonde jokes.  Jake claimed to be 'really impressed' by all the girls - I am still not sure why.  

Tenley pulls Jake to the side to fill him in on her past... her heart is racing and although after the build up you wonder if she maybe killed or seriously injured someone, but instead we learn that she was married (we knew), he left her - had an affair (we figured) and then there was some blabber that I honestly did not understand and I actually wish that instead of some mumbo jumbo about a cheating husband at 21, I wish she had slayed the woman her husband cheated with and that was what she was crying about... 

Ashleigh comes clean and tells Jake that Vienna sucks.  Jake is quickly realizing that Vienna is the controversial figure in the house and he is sad that she isn't even there to defend herself.  I wish Jake would grow a pair.  Meanwhile back at the house, Gia tells Vienna that she sucks and everyone thinks so.  What does Vienna do when she gets upset and called out - just what every girl does, goes and gets a legal pad and starts writing Jake a letter.  Ridonkulous. 

Michelle has serious SERIOUS crazy issues.  The girl needs real help.  It is her year, her brother wants her to fall in love, her mother wants grandchildren, she wants to find love.  I think Elizabeth the nanny said it perfectly, Michelle doesn't need love, she needs a therapist.  Poor thing makes me think of an after-school special, which sadly doesn't exist anymore, but I would be willing to bet you that the girl might has oversized photos of happier times when she was in love and a high school homecoming mum on the back of her door.  The girl is a loon.  And my hope is that she went straight home and checked herself into therapy.   

Ella gets in a helicopter for her one on one.  Lots of money spent on helicopters this season, more than usual. Ella's son surprises them - that isn't confusing for a 7 yr old.  This was painful, I hit fast forward.  I don't have this kind of time.   What was that growth on the side of Ella's face though - where are the make up people.  This is killing me. 

Elizabeth the nanny is such a flirty tease.  She turns on her bedroom eyes and changes her voice tone and talks dirty to an audience, tells the camera that she is a good kisser and then gets all weird and says she doesn't want to kiss.  And then Jake says that he has friends who 'have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons' - I am so annoyed.  By all of them.  Vienna interrupts.  Vienna is tiring.  And terribly annoying and why would anyone be interested in her? And now the champagne has kicked in and Elizabeth is crying and pissed.  She is 29 years old and she could have had a husband by now and she is still figuring out if she wants Jake.  And on another note, what does Elizabeth do with her mouth when she talks, she makes this like duck-bill thing and it only comes out when she is talking to Jake or the camera.  Not when she calmly, honestly talks to the girls.  And if you really could have had a husband, why why why are you on the Bachelor?

Roses:  Vienna, Ella - safe.   Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie (she has a weird perma-smile thing going on), Kathryn, Ashleigh

No rose for Elizabeth the nanny and Valishia.  Valishia is cute and fun and this show didn't make her look crazy until the end when she admits that love doesn't go her way and she cries.  But I think the camera men are coached and taught how to spark tears.  Elizabeth the nanny is sad, but really she would have been so irritated and turned off with Capt Perfection v early on that it is for the best.  

I promise I won't do twofers anymore.  this is misery. 

They are taking an RV (recreational vehicle) up to Northern California.  And 2 RV's filled with girls and luggage and Jake riding his motorcycle behind them.  This isn't even good television.  Some weeks I cannot believe that I give up minutes/hours that I will never get back and that I watch, much less that I write...

Gia is getting the first one on one date, under the stars and the moon and in the vineyard.  They play a game of hide and seek throughout the vineyard.  Jake is carrying her.  And her laugh is just horrendous.  Gia tells us that she was terribly nerdy and made fun of growing up.  Jake's first kiss was in the 11th grade.  They decide to play spin the bottle on a cutting board.  Jake wants to see how Gia will handle hot dogs and smores on the fire.  This is Gia's first camp fire.  Gia wants to be engaged for a while, she is fine with moving to Texas, she wants to have kids before 30, 2 and then one little girl adopted from China and she wants a pot bellied pig as a pet.  Not shocking, Gia gets a rose.  Sidebar - was Gia channeling flash dance with all her off the shoulder tops?

Now we have driven to Pismo Beach.  Jake wants eveyone to get dirty, ride dune buggies and have fun.  Tenley, Vienna, Ali, Corrie, Jessie, and Ashleigh.  People, I am from Texas and his do-gooder talk and accent is downright excruciating. Everyone cleans up and they have a nice night planned and a little one on one with each girl.  Ashleigh and Jake have nothing to talk about and she is just throwing her legginess glory at him , answering his questions with questions - how are you feeling? aww, how are YOU feeling? frankly all I  heard were crickets.   I wish there was another word I could use for annoying to do her justice, but poor Vienna is just SO annoying.  Why is it that when Tenley talks, I cannot understand most of what she says.  Does she mumble, do I have selective hearing? I guess he hears her, because Tenley got the rose. What happened to Jessie, you ask.  Who knows.  She ended up on the cutting room floor.  Sad for little Jessie.

Kathryn & Ella two on one, one stays, one goes date.  He curbs Ella.  I thought Ella had crazy tendencies at the beginning and then I started to waiver that maybe she wasn't totally crazy.  And then, just when Kathryn thinks Ella is gone and she is getting the rose, Jake curbs her too.  He is saddened to let them go, but it is what he feels in his heart.  Frankly, I think that he chose to take the two of them on the twofer because he knew that there wasn't any chemistry with them and he could curb them both.  This is all so very planned, torturous indeed, but planned. He ceremoniously burns the rose that he did not use on the girls.

Pre-rose ceremony time - Jessie decides to tell Jake that Vienna sucks. He appreciates Jessie but doesn't believe.  I can't totally focus on what Jessie is saying because her green eyeshadow is killing me.  It's almost glowing.  I don't think people in the 80s wore eye shadow that green and bright.  In fact the eye shadow was so bad, I can't really even talk about the straps that were on and off the shoulder.  

Roses - Gia & Tenley safe.  Ali, Corrie, and then.  shaky Jake has to leave the room.  We overhear whispers and that we have to get Chris Harrison to help Jake.  Does he have to give out 2 more roses???? I honestly don't know what the issue is... Jake doesn't believe the girls about Vienna - during his one on one time with Ashleigh everyone heard crickets, it was one of the most awkward interchanges this season yet - and we haven't really heard Jessie's voice until she decided to tell him that Vienna sucked.  This particular process of elimination is not neuro surgery.

Next week we see more cat fighting, we learn that it isn't about sex appeal it is about heart appeal.  Personally, I am hoping that we get to hear more instrumentals of 'on the wings of love' I've missed that...

 

Crazy, on several accounts

I read a bunch of blogs.  I read more than I write, I also think about what to write and handwrite in a journal more than I actually write on this blog, but 2010 is a time of change {hopefully - that is the plan} This is random, but a couple weeks back one of my most favorite friends, E, sent this blog that she raves about and specifically sent a borderline insane post about Jenny (the brains and design guru behind Little Green Notebook) and her experience with birthing a third child.  Jenny gives the disclaimer that if you are light stomached and uncomfortable with words like afterbirth and dilation then this post may not be for you.  Personally, I found it to be absolutely fascinating and wasn't the least bit uncomfortable, then again it takes a lot more than talking about giving birth to make me feel uncomfortable.  I find this to be amazing and truly a wonderful Christmas story, even if it was 3 weeks ago.  Little Green Notebook won me over and I bookmarked her.  And I actually only bookmark what I religiously read.  

Now then, if you came here looking for my bachelor recap on the true trainwreck that is that nerdy pilot with a six-pack, I apologize.  I spent my birthday doing things for other people (I am no martyr, just being honest) and by the time that I was at the hospital, helping someone move, making an airport run and we finished family dinner - then I watched the episode, I was too tired to take notes.  I will tell you that I think he is a tool. First class.  Those girls wouldn't give him the time of day at a random restaurant or if they were set up with him on a blind date or if they saw him at Cabo Wabo at 3am after a booze cruise of tequila shooters.  He is successful (it seems), kind (too nice, actually), nerdy (real, real nerdy), and has a six-pack (if I have a dollar for everytime he goes shirtless, I would have have two Benjamins by now).  His personality is mediocre and if I have to hear one more time about how nice guys finish last or that he can't find anyone as perfect as himself I might actually vomit.  

I received an email before the episode that had info on Rozlyn, her 7 yr old son and her 'relationship'.  According to all that I have read (emails, blogs, and an episode of ET, ole Rozlyn didn't actually have sex with the producer.  They forged a friendship or something ridiculous.  You know like Angelina and Brad - emotional affair.  Let us not forget her reaction and silence to Chris Harrison could have totally be spliced to make her look like she was confused and never actually said anything when he told her she had to leave.  That Mike Fleiss, he has a team of people who I am convinced sit around, cocktail and come up with various situations to put the contestants in - it is a game.  Someone is supposed to win, there are challenges.  

Furthermore, Michelle - the one that is there for love and who is there for Jake for all the right reasons is totally insane.  Certifiable.  The girl could be the poster child for what women who date should NOT become.  Sad, that lack of confidence should be on after school specials.  Parents should take note and truly work to make sure that their child does not ever become so issue laden and lacking such self esteem.  It's really very sad.  Good television, but very very sad. 

Christina had crazy eyes.  I don't believe that she is really a 'guy's girl' with a majority of male friends in her daily life as she suggested.  She might have had one gay friend that she once watched a football game with, but she is not a guy's girl because if she really did, they would have called her out on her crazy eyes, they would have told her she was an annoying drunk and they would have told her the being nervous and telling everyone 22 times is beyond irritating - I know, I have a buffalo, the hip hop wop and a jew - they tell you these things.  It isn't always pretty, but it is valuable information.  

It isn't my real recap, but it will have to do.  Blame the birthday, blame a business trip (I'm not at home), blame time.  In short, it covers all the highlights.  But let it be known that I think the Mike Fleiss and his team of geniuses are making Jake keep Michelle.  No way he wants to take on that piece of crazy as a project for life.  Ali and Elizabeth the nanny will go far.  Vienna is an idiot.  Ella will go after next week simply because he will have a real chance to spend 5 minutes with her and will have to send her back to po-dunk Tennessee to reunite with her son and get back together with the town's shade tree mechanic and surprisingly lead a very happy life.  Tenley will continue to tell America that she was a virgin and is now divorced.  And we have not seen the last of Michelle.  I don't actually think she will come back to confront Jake, but we will see her again in some capacity -- she is not gone and forgotten.  That kind of 'controversy' always comes back.  Especially after she literally attacked Jake with her tongue and finagled a rose.  They will find a way.

Crazy always comes back. So as I leave you to crash in a biscuit that isn't my own, I feel like I should pass on some wisdom of my father:  Always look to the family members of the person you think you want to marry and remember that part of your children's DNA will come from those people.   Makes you rethink.

Plane Crash - Jake Pavelka

It takes watching the flashbacks from last season to fully remember what a nerd this Jake character really is... he is the good guy, a tool bag, the nice guy who is tired of finishing last, dudley do right, mr needs time to heal. Unfortunately, he might be the real problem with the season.  He says things like -- His office is at 37,000 feet (I hope you aren't checking email up there)  He knows that love is patient and that it endures (he reads the good book, Corinthians, specifically) He thinks flying is just like being in love (Wow, that is profound)  He didn't think he would be 31 and single (No one does, Jake)  He knows relationships are hard (He's smart)  He is going into this 100%, absolutely with everything that he is (If he tells you this, maybe it is more believable?) 

And that is all within the first 7 minutes.  And then to close this segment of Jake's tragic flight of painful amor, we have Top Gun inspired (get it, Jake's a pilot, Maverick was a pilot) motorcycle ride throughout Los Angeles (ok, one street on the water - the road was closed) and an 'on the wings of love' instrumental playing in the background (I bet you a Benjamin it is playing in elevators everywhere now!)

Ali - 25, self described hopeless romantic, who has lost boyfriends to worlds of warfare and Wii bowling, but most recently her boyfriend cheated on her with their roommate.  There is a lesson here: don't have a roommate when you live with your boyfriend, but if you must, make sure she is not hotter and/or sluttier than you.

Alexa - 25, self described adrenaline junkie who hopes that Jake really likes to ride that motorcycle Chris Harrison rented for him and that he is really ready for finding love. Sidebar: there is NO way this girl is 25.  No possible way.  If she is 25, I am 23...

Tenley - 25, an Oregonian dancer who looks fragile.  But she did show us a couple moves she has down pat from Princess stint at TokyoDisney (permasmile, she has down pat) Fun fact about Tenley, she was married.  They were both virgins (this screams that they got married so they could do it, BTW) and there was some unfaithfulness - she doesn't throw him under the bus, which leaves us to wonder... None the less, she is hoping Jake is her Knight in Shining Armour.  And for that line right there, she deserves to go home immediately.  

Elizabeth - 29, a captain in the DC National Guard.  She has been in uniform for the last 12 years of her life and lacks fashion sense. Her greatest loves have been pilots, evidently she missed the memo about fishing off the company pier

Rozlyn - 28, been a model for 10 years.  As a pretty girl, you are always competition (it is SO hard being pretty).  She thinks flying a plane is hot.  And said something about firemen and hats, but my brain couldn't take it)

Christina - 25, a guys girl, so she thinks.  She is a little bitchy and most of her friends are guys.  Her competitiveness might be sketchy

Vienna - 23, unemployed, big personalitied, trust fund, daddy's girl who evidently cant afford a chauffer, but her dad has been dumb enough to buy her 5 cars after she totaled them, not to mention her yipper dog that she enjoys mommy/daughter days with where they eat and are merry.  She is hoping to bring the yipper dog a daddy.  

Ashley - 29, a teacher, who's mother is her personal shopper and evidently hasn't seen her daughter since the breast augmentation, because there is no way she will fit into that bikini top.

Elizabeth - 29, a nanny with a horrendous boob job (you should talk to Ashley's doctor) who knows the ups and downs of life.  She has been waiting for Tiger Woods to stroll through her town to no avail, and they rewet her hair like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover for when she is talking to the camera.  

Ella - 29, with a sweet little boy who likes to play freeze tag in the back woods of Tennessee.  Ella has a crazy gene and a bad accent - that is the truth.  I speak it.

Gia - 25, professional bathing suit model, fitness model, we later learn she does hair.  And she is dumbfounded because she doesnt really date -- she has only had 3 boyfriends, but if I were betting, she has had 300 sexual partners. I'm just saying.

Kimberly - 24, NBA dancer from Norman Oklahoma (truth: I didnt know there was an Oklahoma City team called 'The Thunder' til tonight, I googled)

Emily - 23, fit model who doesnt sound like the the smartest girl in the house.

Tiana - 31, does sit ups and push ups at any free opportunity, because she doenst want a disadvantage due to age. Fair enough

Caitlyn - 24, spokesmodel and pageant girl - she loves color, I predict she wears color so much it hurts

Kirsten - 25, she isnt afraid to become a bitch and for the record, she is lying about her age as well.  For sho.

Michelle - 25 (I am sensing a pattern with the ages). 

Yall do realize that this little blurb on each girl is before they have even arrived at the house  or climbed out of the limo??! It is hard to make this portrayal of ridiculousness honestly last 2 hours. Chris, does this ever get old?  They sit down for a chat before the limos arrive - this time Jake is in control.  We learn about Jake's loneliness on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  He recognizes his intensity on a first date but now that he has seen the process work, he feels honored to be there (kiss ass) and he is ready to find his lady, even if she is terrified of flying because love is more powerful than flying, in case you were curious...

First one out of the limos, Rozlyn, the model I spoke of just earlier. She explains her name means 'little rose' in case he needs help remembering at the rose ceremony.  Fasten your seat belt, she says...

Emily - she has Zooey Deschanel eyes - in her favor.  her voice - her downfall

Ali - lost her voice today, but she brought him a peacock feather to attract a mate, just like peacocks do.  Sidebar: I really liked her yellow strapless ditty.  super cute.

Jessie - 25, I am pretty sure that when Jessie watches this with her viewing crew, she will die a small death when she hears herself say (while grabbing his arms) 'you have a registry for these guns?' I died a little for her.

Tenley - she comments on how admirable he is for checking his at the door and telling Jillian about Wes.  And then she walks in the house and announces that she might be in love with him already.  I am starting to wonder if some of these girls have to get a written note from their shrinks before they can leave for LA

Ella - what crazy looks like on an ordinary Tennessee afternoon.  She pulls the old you have something on your tie and then bumps his nose 'boop' - You couldn't write this crap if you tried.  

Kathryn - 25 (which evidently is the magic number this season) she is a flight attendant, like that wasn't going to happen?! She promises him a breath of fresh air, whenever he needs it. Barf. 

Caitlyn, the spokesperson and former pageant girl and if you couldn't tell from her pageant walk, you can definitely tell from her gown of all turquoise sparkles including a train.  I was right about her and color this season, if she makes it.  And in what was one of the worst lines delivered upon meeting - 'you look amazing in a suit, but i cant wait to see you in a uniform' - poor girl practiced that in front of her mirror including the facial expressions for weeks.  

Elizabeth, the Natl Guard capt.  uses a double sided coin to flip and see if she will stay.  But he smiles big for her and she might end up being on the sane side of the girls.

Alexa, there is NO way this girl is 25. She is even wearing an outfit inspired by Madonna in the 80s.  She remembers it so well, because it is a similar outfit that she wore to her 8th grade dance.  The girl is 35. And if he lets her fly his plane, she will let him ride her Harley.  

Vienna - the bleach has absolutely gone to her brain.  Dumb dumb dumb

Corrie - her opening line is what do you think about 'kissimmee' which sounds like what do you think about kissin me and poor Jake looks like a deer in headlights, like a boy who just saw a girls boobs for the first time.  Are we going to have to watch that shock all season. 

Kimberly - although from Norman, OK and usually has a staunch hatred for Texas (TX/OU game and all) she throws out her horns for Jake.  If Jake went to UT this would make sense, but I wouldn't be surprised if he went to A&M or Baylor. (He went to UNT) I bet you get the boot tonight, Kimbo.

Valishia - 32, she might be the oldest and it says she is a homemaker.  I always thought you got to a homemaker when you had kids and a husband, but what do I know? Jake loves her dress and she just got back from her family reunion in Texas.  She brought him soil, signifying their common ground and that the best things in life are free.  WAY TO GO, VALISHIA! by playing the cheesey card you have earned yourself a rose tonight.  

Gia - gets out of the limo and has a pause, like she were on a pageant, literally and it was the swim suit competition.  She offers to do his hair while they are there, after Jake comments on her hair.  So friendly these people.

Elizabeth the nanny.  This girl has totally broken up marriages.  No questions. She asked Jake to close his eyes and picture his favorite place and then he tells her it is right here, right now.  Really, Jake.  Not 37,000 feet, not the gym, not your backyard, or some snowy peak in the Swiss Alps, right there in front of the manse where you got your heart broken not too long ago and where you stand today meeting 25 strangers in front of a camera crew and bad lighting.  Terrible.

Channy - 29 and crazy.  I wish I could think of what movie has a crazy asian.  She wears a yellow dress that is hoochie mamma short and has crazy eyes and she speaks to him in Cambodian. And if he wants to know what she said, he has to find her later.  

Ashley - she brings along a Jake & Ashley picker.  like a twirlly thing that you use on childhood board games.  Where do these people think of this crap?  What happened to a good old fashioned hand shake a smile?

Tiana - came out of the gates with crazy and obsessive and let him know she told her girlfriends when Jake stepped out of the limo to meet Jillian that he was Tiana's future husband.  Doesn't crap like that make someone run for the hills?

Christina - the guys girl, brought everyone a parting gift of jelly beans.  Pan to the inside when she first tells the girls that she brought them all something a universal 'ahh' chimes throughout the room and then she tells them its for them when they leave.  Someone says they are probably laced with laxatives. Vienna puts it back in the basket, because she isn't leaving.  Her daddy paid for her to be here at least 3 episodes.

Ashleigh - also 25, who totally trips and stumbles right into his arms.  I would laugh or gasp, but it was too planned, so I am therefore annoyed. 

Kirsten - she thinks Jillian was so stupid for letting you go and to come find her because one of her best friends has something to share? Hmm ??

Stephanie - a dance teacher and therefore was hoping that she could get the first dance.  Fitting.

Sheila - shows up in aviators since they are both aviators (she is a pilot, too). Her laugh is awful. Awful.

Michelle - also 25, comes out of the limo with her arms spread out like she is an airplane.  This is gonna hurt. She looks forward to spending a lot of time with him, and hopes to be his copilot at the end. 

Now we get to go inside and spend time with the ladies.  There is a first impression rose.  They cat call him when he walks in - Dudley Do-right apologies for being so nervous.  He is such a tool.

Things overheard: 'I met Jake, I met Jake' 'I want to spend some one on one time together so we can get a direct flight to romance' He is an aquarius.  'My heart is doing a million miles per hour' He is looking for inner beauty, someone who is kind. 'I'm ready for my engagement ring' 

Ali gets dragged outside.  She tripped and ripped her dress a little but Jake held her from a face plant.  She used to miss vacations because she was scared to fly.  Corrie steals him away.  For fun Jake says that he likes to build.  His top three priorities are God, family, friends - in that order.  Channy, crazy asian, likes that Jake is a good guy, because she can be the naughty girl.  She thinks he needs a little bit of Cambodian fever - she said that.  Out loud. Followed by the definition of what she rattled off to him earlier: 'Jake you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.'  This doesnt bother as much as when Jakes lies and says it sounds so pretty, obviously before he knows the definition.  Pretty?  Sounds so pretty? No it doesn't.  It's like being in a nail salon and they are all talking shit about you.  Why are you lying to Crazy.  Crazy will make you pay for this... 

Christina is jealous of everyone's big boobs, she has baby boobs. 

Ella wanted to pull him away to tell him about the 'love of his life' - she is a mom, to a 7 yr old who wants to be a pilot -- what a coincidence.  Her dumb son sent her his favorite toy airplane.  I am calling BS.  Crazy went into her son's room while he was sleeping, snooped around til she found it, kissed him on the forehead, told him to go back to sleep and gave it to Jake.  A 7 yr old doenst get it.  You know she sat him down before she left for several weeks and explained - Now Ethan, AMomma is gonna go get famous and married.  I think Jake is gonna like my accent and the things I learned how to do with Cousin Jed when we were in junior high.  You stay here with MeeMaw and be a good boy, mind your manners, eat your vegetables, feed the goats, and I will come back with a hot hunk of man that will fly us wherever Southwest Airlines goes. 

Ashley, the girl who's mother sends her outfits, went to pull out the big guns and throws on some naughty nurse-esque co-pilot costume and prances around the girls.  Some laugh, some are shocked, but she is interrupting Ella - I would be fearful.  Elizabeth the nanny thought that she needed to break in and offer some football, she is from an athletic family and wants to see Jake in action. 

Some catch in the driveway leads to a game - Jake is going to QB on both sides.  Blondes vs Brunettes. Then the girls just start chasing him.  Um, how do we have a whole other hour left in this!?

First impression rose makes its way in the room... Pressure is on.  Michelle says it will kill her - dramatic pause - if she doesnt get the first impression rose. (I thought she was going to say if she didnt get a rose tonight?!) Where she is in life (did her shrink sign off on this?), future husband, children, he is a dream for her.  She wants a husband, children, she sounds terribly desperate and sad.  Vienna is a nightmare. I would bet that Paris Hilton is her idol.  She is intergetic and annoying.  All the while, Michelle is stewing and virtually on the brink of tears.  Kathryn the flight attendant wears an engagement ring - she wears it to fend off the men on her flights and she gave it to Jake.  I got a hot tip for Kathryn, you should ONLY wear your pretend ring on the airplane.  The dance teacher steals him for a first dance. You guessed it those cruel cameramen are totally watching Michelle.  She has put everything on hold and she is here to fall in love with Jake and she is crying.  She steals him away for alone time.  She walks him far far away in front of a fire.  He knows it is hard for her.  He doesnt see Michelle as crazy, he sees Michelle as sweet.  He is stupid. 

Enter Jillian and Ed - YAY -- they are so smart and lucky in love and a 'success' Bachelor story.  I forgot about Jillian's crooked talk.  Anyway, Jillian and Ed pulls the ladies one by one out and have a little interview.  They both pretend to take notes.  They make girls dance, ask them about sex before marriage and what kind of animal they are in the bedroom (the Okie gets all kinds of uncomfortable with this question), deal breakers, etc.  And then they talk to Michelle - I think they totally see crazy.  

Rozlyn gets her one on one time.  She seems to be the only one that doesn't care what happens or what people say or what they think.  Christina actually makes Jake lie on his back and play a quick game of airplane (like you did with your uncle when you were 6, yes, that airplane). Tenley gets her time and she had to bring notes to remind herself all the things that she 'is' - she thinks she is a good kisser, and then while they were kissing, she tells him that it has been so long since she has kissed someone.  The only other person she has been with was her ex-husband - and its been such a long time since she really kissed someone and she cant believe she did something so out of character.  Where do they find these people?

Ed really liked Elizabeth the nanny. Jillian really liked Ella - let us remember Jillian held onto Wes for a long time, her radar lacks. They also liked Katherine the one who wears a ring and Sheila the pilot.  Ed got a bad vibe from Michelle - no shit, sherlock.

He gave Tenley the first impression rose? Jake you ARE stupid, but you have the makings for good television. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Why do we still have their photos in the deliberation room?

Ella - you chose crazy, as long as we point it out it might make it better. 

Elizabeth the nanny - but we knew that was coming

Ali - the guys girl who ripped her dress, also expected

Vienna - that bleach didnt seem to bother him

Christina - I like the color of her dress.

Gia - like he was going to let her walk out.

Ashley - the slutty stewardess outfit won it for her

Rozlyn - duh

Jessie - I barely remember her

<Michelle is starting to panic - it is all over her face.  Poor thing>

Corrie - does her nose only bother me?

Valishia - oldest and wisest

Ashleigh - that terrible fake fall won him over

Kathryn - fake engagement ring worked.

Michelle - I lied, Michelle is what crazy looks like on an ordinary day, not Ella. Ella has potential, and it will shine through during the season, but for the record, Michelle left the asylum to be here for the next few weeks.  

Poor Kimberly, the rest of us knew she was leaving before she had any clue.  

Scenes: There is wine and strawberries and roses, bungee jumping, lies, tears, and drama, virgins, secrets, flying, and Jake's abs, more wine, problems, Michelle's psyche, more tears and lots of people falling in love.  

Not even Friday, but she is in love

I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter.  I love that I can watch Shaq and John Mayer and Ashton all talk smack to one another and to others, that I get breaking news from DC down to Hollywood, and that I can learn about creative blogs, happy times and laugh all within 140 characters.  I hate that if I do not have the time to check it once, twice, six times a day, I feel that I have missed something.  As a child I never wanted to go to bed for fear I might miss something, anything, from the ending of Dallas (I was asleep before I even knew JR was shot), to who is crowned Miss Universe (who cares) to what will happen at the party once I depart (Paki always said nothing good happens after midnight). 

But I continue to follow ex-bachelorette Deanna Pappas, even though I almost stopped following her because she is constantly (and we have already established that I don't manage to check everyday) pushing her friend Holly to work for the Ellen Show.  Annoyingly pushing. From persistent to annoying.  So one day I @'d her and said that she was jumping the shark with her pushiness.  AND SHE RESPONDED.  Something about she bets I would do all kinds of things for my friends, too.  I like anyone that calls me out on front street when I started the fronting.  Therefore, I have continued to follow her and just disregard her continually annoying pushes for Holly to work with Ellen.  I mean, if I am annoyed, I'm guessing Ellen is too.

None the less, I just saw this from several hours ago and clicked through.  And what do you know... Holly is dating Michael -- as in Jillian's breakdancer Michael.  Evidently Holly was a contestant on the show at some point as well - maybe when the Brit picked Lorenzo Lamas's daughter.  

And Deanna is dating the breakdancer's twin brother.  You know the one that tried to pull the Great American Twin Switcheroo with Jillian.  And from what I read today - straight from the horse's mouth, Deanna is crazy in love with him (Stephen) and they will be engaged soon and they will love forever.  Really very sweet. 

You, too, can read all about it here - I am happy for the girl.  For some crazy reason I would have thought that  after she exploited her love life once before under contract with Mike Fleiss, she would never to do it again.  Seems she is just a shout-it-from-the-mountain-top type of girl.  She knows, people and when you know, you know. 

Who knew. 

Jillian 9

First of all, two hours is too long.  I dont care that I fast forward throughout.  It has been a season of two hour episodes, it is torture.

First playdate in Hawaii is with Kiptyn.
They run and embrace.  And I am guessing the producers give wardrobe guidelines.  As they are in running shoes and shorts for a ropes course.  After a series of terribly accented "oh my gawd", "why, why why" and "oh my" - they do ridiculous challenges and end it with a climb up an electrical log pole with a jump to a trapeze bar.  She is scared, rightfully so.  Called the 'leap of faith' was fitting as she was having trust issues with Kiptyn.  I don't do heights, so I am not sure I could have made the leap, but they did it together,  and Kip catches the trapeze and Jillian misses it and hangs in the air - oh the irony.

They break bread and discuss their favorite parts of the day and she is surprised how much she relied on the Kiptynite to get up the pole, being so independent and all.  She is worried he doesnt have flaws -- I think I am barfing.  Kip thinks he is impatient.  He has always been the dumper (duh), she is concerned about getting her heart broken.  Basically over a meal (which we never see them eat) they blow sunshine at each other and it's 'raw and real' and I am annoyed.

Fantasy Suite time.  I know I didnt focus on anything last week (I still havent seen it in full) and maybe I am absolutely the most naive Bachelor/ette watcher in the world, but just because you 'spend the night' with someone in a fantasy suite, doesnt mean that you have to throw leg - she lost quality time without cameras last week.  So this week, she spent the evening with candles, rose petals and no one else.  About time, Jills.

Reid.
He is a sweet, kind, difficulty communicating, nerdy birdy.  They go on a helicopter ride with an ordained minister, the idea of marriage obviously pops into both their heads, but unfortunately Jills is wishing she was with someone else at that point.  Over a picnic he admitted his inability to communicate but he was good and honest and I thought he made some headway.  Granted when she asked him what he wanted to do today and his response was "make out" I am pretty sure that was the breaking point. 

Tiki lamps and beach side dinner.  Poor guy was starving because even though there always appears to be food around, I dont think these people eat.  Sure they share a strawberry, but as for a sandwich or a piece of chicken, no dice.  Just snacks and booze. 

Serious conversations take place.  Jill wants to make sure that he is ready for this -- and the truth is, who can honestly be ready to propose at the end of 7 weeks with no contact with anyone.  She didnt really care that Kiptyn said he probably wouldnt propose at the end, but he does want to carry on.  Poor Reid is doing the best he can, he obviously likes her 'thiiiiisssss much' (I know children that used to do that, it was their party trick -- it is cute at 2, isnt cute at 30).  He loves her, but he isnt sure he can tell her.

Off to the fantasy suite.  It was at the Westin, in case you were curious.  They did a brief 3 second product placement.   Sweet Reid is trying to use his words, and it is just so hard for him.  And she is pushing.  Selfish, tell me how awesome I am, blatantly pushing on her part.  Then they what appears to be naked hot tubbing, but it isnt what I care about, what I care about is dont her parents watch?  Or her grandmother.  God rest my yiayia's soul, but it should be known she would be watching and calling all her friends to watch too.  I used to have to watch Baywatch Nights with my grandparents because Angie Harmon's yiayia and my yiayia were friends and my grandmother wanted to support her friend's grandaughters ratings.   Naked (or pretend naked) hot tubbing with an audience is just in poor taste.  Slut.

I have realized I dont like her.  I think she is an idiot.  I get that she wants love, but she is a tease and boring and self absorbed and just a disaster.  At this point we still have over an hour left in the show and one person.  MIKE FLEISS - 2 hours?  Please next season, if you are going to do this again, make it only one hour except for the beginning and the latter episodes.  You are killing me...

Ed/Richie.
Ed, you appearred to be a good dresser all along, at least while you were around.  And then you show up in a tank top with piping.  Seriously?  You saw that hanging in your closet and thought, I look good in that... A tank top and cargo shorts, and then you slip out of your cargo shorts for some metro sexual, probably expensive, 1982 looking basketball shorts that Larry Bird used to wear (but Larry got paid to wear them).  I might have expected the shorts from Mikey Mike the break dancer.  I realize it was hot outside, but those

Surprise, Ed's parents have been flown out, supposedly by Ed.  I feel as though Jillian picked out the shortest skirt she has ever seen to wear to meet Ed's parents. And sidebar - Shame on his mother or father for not calling him out.  Someone should have called this out.  She looks cute in her up to her hoo-ha skirt and LONG sleeves and he is still in that stupid tank top and horrendous short shorts. 

It isnt fair to talk smack about the parents, they didnt sign up for this show, their child did and they are being supportive (we can remember Ole Mary with Byron and her immigrant, not a syllable of English parents) and I realize they are in Hawaii, but the Hawaiian shirt Rick wore was horrendous.  Evidently the fashion apple doesnt fall too far from the tree.

Tootie (mom) takes Jills outside to tell her that her son looks happy.  Then Rick takes Jill to tell her that he has never seen his son with his feelings on his shirt sleeve... where is the ba-da-bum when I need it..

I guess they skip a meal.  Who needs food, we have wine!?  So now we are going to go have, in the words of Jillian, 'intimate, cozy, seksi time'... (sidebar, it is like she is just setting him up.)

This day is NEVER ENDING!! And, I think that she is just obsessed with Ed's looks.  She has mentioned kissing him, and how tall dark and handsome he is, blah blah blah - so many times.  It was the first thing she told his parents and she tells the camera men that regularly.  Just do it and get it over with -- dont marry him.  And furthermore, I am over watching other people kiss, yes, but moreso I cannot handle watching Ed's passionate, nervous stare into her eyes. And if they are having private time, why in the world am I still watching them?  We have the oils, the candles, the porn music in the background.  And Jillian even went to change into something more comfortable.  

And just when you think it cannot get worse...  Ed couldn't 'show' her that he really is in love with her.  She is concerned that even though the love is there the passion is missing.  Sweet Jesus, they have been on a boat all day long, boozed since high noon, met and had a question and answer session with his parents, skipped dinner, caressed and talked about being in love.  Just go to bed, do it in the morning.  Ugh.  You people are killing me.

Time on the couch with Chris.  She is falling in love with all three boys.  At one point Jillian said - Chris do you know what I had to do on that date?  Chris should have answered, No, dumbass, tell me. I only have the easiest job in Hollywood.  He gets to paid to keep up.  Of course he knows what you did on that date.  On all your dates.  Hell, I would be willing to bet you that there are hidden cameras in all the fantasy suites and my boyfriend Mike Fleiss might release a pay per view 'too hot for tv' version of fantasy suites once he discontinues the show...

Private messages from the boys - Kiptynite has a logical video.  He is normal and kind and only just a little cheesy.  

Reid is kind and cheesy and I guess I missed where she called him Honey Bear.  Thank God.  

Ed is suddenly a better man and has a changed perspective on life all because of Jillian.  And he ends a bunch of complements with i.love.you.  So he just guaranteed himself a rose.  golf clap.

What was that handkerchief dress?  But before a rose, Ed can I talk to you about our lack of intimacy.  Do you think we were too tired?  Do you think you just dont want to paw at me?  What is the problem?  Why couldnt we seal the deal the other night?  I mean, you were here and then you were gone and your work took the front gear and then I take the front gear and then we have this amazing date and you failed at the pressure to perform.  And then you tell me you love me in your private video message.  Make it right, Ed.  Tell me about it.  Make it better.  Barf.

Kiptyn.  First rose. 

Ed. Final Rose

Poor, Reid.  I mean, he held out his arms and told her that he liked her ttttthhhhhiiiiiiisssssss much.  That wasnt enough? And Jillian shouldnt ever say 'you defined everything I was wanting in this, but eh, that wasnt enough.' 

And then here comes Ed to the rescue, poor attractive Kiptyn is just standing there like an idiot with a rose on his lapel waiting for them to come back... I cannot believe I am still watching. 

Next week its the men tell all, I am most excited about David.  I hope he jumps up and punches Don Juan.  Not because I want Juan hurt, but hey, I am all about ratings.

And I am least excited that evidently wherever Ed got that horrendous tank top was having a two for one, because he is wearing a different one in 2 weeks. 

Jillian 7 - hometown visits

Reid - Philadelphia

I am a Reid fan, but I think he is a giant nerd. 
Rhonda, Larry, Brothers Brett and Jeb.
Turns out, Reid's from a family of realtors and Jillian being a designer -- ole Rhonda has got it all figured out.  I imagine Rhonda to be a pushy realtor, just a hunch.
The brothers kinda bag Reid for looking for everyone's approval.  Everyone in Reid's family believes that turning thirty is going to make him prepared for commitment.  Sadly, from experience, I know that a boy/man turning 30 doesn't make him anymore ready for commitment than he was at 29, but believe what you wish.
Process if you think she is a good match for you, go into it head over heels.  Advice from Larry - evidently Reid cant make a decision on his own to save his life.  I almost find it annoying. 
Surprise - happy birthday songs, hugs and a little make out in front of the family.  Awkward upon first meeting.  Jillian thinks she fell hard for Reid and his family, but she has 4? 4 more guys.  Four -- oh Jillian...

Michael - Astoria.

I think Michael is fun, but after seeing him and his family I think that to call the entire situation highly immature is actually being kind.  I wonder if Michael's nickname was ever  Rabbit or Hopper because these people jump around.  They bounce.  I wouldn't last in there for 5 minutes.
We meet identical twin brother Steve, mom Lynn, dad Frank,  and  sister Jenna - who is in Australia for some reason, but not to worry Mike Fleiss used his miles and flew her in.
Yall -- can we talk about Lynn for a second.  Is she high?  She has permasmile.  She uses words like 'awesome' through big clinched smiles.  I will bet you a hondo that Mikey's  was the party house growing up because that woman didn't have a clue of what the hell was going on ...
Anyway, Mike and Steve are planning on pulling a twin switacharoo...WHOA (in my best Joey Lawrence voice) they go upstairs while Lynn is bouncing and talking to Jill and shave and swap clothes and Mike comes pretending to be Steve and Jillian catches it in seconds.  She asks them to go switch clothes back.  I believe in jr high this is a situation in which you would hear 'burn you...'
Jillian is a little concerned of Michael's age -- not to worry, because in comes Steve to let her know that the twins always wanted to get married younger, grow with their wives and start a family.  Well, that solves it...
I learned tonight that many of the guys left on this show are musical.  Not necessarily singers, but they love to dance and play music and sing... we're Greek.  We dance.  We're musical (meaning we like music) But you aren't going to see any mandolin or guitar playing or dancing around the living room when you come over for dinner with a camera crew or hell, when you come over on a random Thursday...

Kiptynite - San Diego -- Encinitas, actually

Today we meet mom Eve, step-dad Earl, sister Dotia (um, what the hell kind of name is Dotia), brother Bryce and girlfriend Nancy.
These people heard about Hot Tub Harris... theirs has caution tape and is warming up for later.
But first, a pepsi challenge - Since Earl is 'famous' for his lasagna - Jill has to pick the better wine and Earl's lasagna.  When Eve said only grandma drinks this -- I am pretty sure it was a screw top white zin. 
Eve was asking the hard questions.  And Dotia is outside grilling her brother.  We learned that Kiptynite will prob not propose but will continue to date and figure it out. Which is code for this is not for forever.  None the less, Kip and Jill go hot tubbing, duh. And Eve plays watcher in the woods, and watches from the window.

Jesse - Carmel, CA -- family's winery

I wanna know how many girls have ridden around on Jesse's tractor? C'mon.  We meet Joseph (I have a special spot for an accent), Betty and Jacob. 

Jacob isn't dating anyone, but I personally imagine him to smell funny.   And when Jesse says Little honey boo bear... who says that crap?  Especially to their warewolf looking, smelly brother?
Fast forward to a little Kovacs family rock time.  I imagine Betty's instrument is usually the tambourine, but since she let Jillian play it, she just dances and head bobs while Joseph and Jacob play guitar with Jesse on the drums.  And finally, Jesse compares Jillian to a fine wine, letting it mature before he takes full advantage. Barf.

Wes - Austin, TX

Wes has to be planted.  Maybe Mike Fleiss invested in Wes's label or cd or something.  There is no way, he could have told us last week that he has made it 6 shows which will be good for his cd and the band, that he didn't come here for the girl, but rather  he came for the notoriety.  And then this cluster is about to happen...

Jillian gets to meet both of Wes's families.  Obviously, his band being his first family... He sings her a song - probably the first single to be released off the album.  And not to worry, he even sang  'Jillians' song -- Love don't come easy...   Wes claims not to be a good liar - truth is,  he is such a good liar, people believe him when he says he don't know how to lie.  He feeds her piles of BS.  PILES.  And she soaks it up like a sham-wow!

Jake is there to tell Jill that Wes has a girlfriend.  Shocking.  But, not before he 'calls Tanner' to get the approval that he is doing the right thing. Jake you are such a do-gooder.  You aren't perfect, you are a nerd.  Tell us, was it Mike or Chris that phoned you to fly out to Austin to play the 'Craig Biggio' role here?  I want to mess up your hair and poke my index finger in one of your dimples. 

Anyway, Do-The-Right-Thing-Jake knocks on the door.  No worries, Jills - he isn't here to get you back.  But he couldn't sleep at night if he didn't come to Austin and do the right thing.  The dirgey piano music totally made it better! Jake is SO SORRY.  He doesn't want her to be hurt, he really thinks she deserves the best.  And Jillian is tired of this crap.  Jake is heartbroken for her.  Jill is over guys not being here for the right reasons (there it is again), maybe she should just quit this right now (that would breech your contract, so rethink that statement)

Jake lets her know that -- when you confront Wes, you can tell him that I told you.  Remember her name is Laurel and we talked about her 3 times.  three.  Never mind the fact that Stupid Wes announced to the remaining boys and ALL OF AMERICA that he isn't here for the girl, he has a record to promote.  And don't worry,  I am staying the night, Jill - Mike and Chris put me up here, too!  So I am not far if you want to cry on my perfectly starched shoulder - I will remove my sunglasses from the Capt. Lapel, so they don't poke you.  Jake. Jake. Jake. If you are perfection Jake, I will no longer strive for it...

Knock, knock.  Wes is here... sho'nuff, sho'nuff he wants to have a drink before they meet his parents.  Jills needs to ask him about his intentions, his past, anything that he has to tell her.  He hates that she is asking, he has already explained his intentions.  He is worried it is one of 'his guys' that has told her about the girlfriend.  I love it when Wes says things like "That's. Crazy."  Laurel is one of his best friends, but he cant go back to her, her cant go backwards.  I know he [Jake] is hurt and ate up.  (*Ate up, really), but he doesn't have a girlfriend.  So my favorite is when Jillian asks if he is the last one standing that he would want to at least date her.  He says he wouldn't leave which is the only truthful thing he has said yet.  He wouldn't leave when he can get a blurb in People or maybe even a little US Weekly cover.

Sidebar - Did Wes NOT go to school? Ever? He cannot say a single sentence using proper English and by proper I really mean, just not using double negatives or making up words? 'We been broke up' - I know uneducated Villagers that speak better.  Wes, you are terrible.  I am all for a man with a guitar and a deep scratchy voice, believe me, but sweet jesus forget using good and well properly, I simply hope not to die a little English 101 death with every one of your sentences.   I actually wonder if he is writing songs, if he has someone that comes in with a red pen and fixes his wording.  Terrible, Wes. Terrible. 

Jake comes down the hall... Wes calls him a 'man of character' with a 'sh*t eating grin' Man to Man.  They go back and forth, blah blah.  But then Wes says - I know you been on bended knee talking to God.  I cant believe that Jake didn't make a comment back.  And Jillian just needs to follow her gut.  Jillian, here's a tip, your gut sucks.  You are obviously a moron.  And Jake is so tore up (that was on purpose) he cries in the hallway. IN FRONT OF HOUSEKEEPING - part of me so badly wanted the lady to bring him a washcloth to wipe his tears. And people, I am a crier.  There are countless stories of me crying almost everyday of the 3rd grade and thereafter (different story, different day) but I wouldn't cry in the hallway of a hotel, not when I have my own room.  Jake, you are such a do-gooder, pansy.  If I wasn't a lady, I might call you something else.  You knew Wes would have answers.  He has his story straight.  He has a purpose and he is going to ride this train as long as he can to get what he wants in the end.  He is going to sing a song every episode, or talk about his band, or his CD.  

Wes doesn't want her to meet his parents, drag it out if it isn't going to come to something.  Oh, Wes, I clap for you in the midst of my anger.  You are an idiot and yet, a genius.   You can barely speak proper English, but you have an answer for everything.  It is almost amazing.  Your good looks and lies have gotten you in a lot of pants, I imagine.   And then Jill, with teary voice she tells him she is there for the REAL DEAL.

Finally, the reason we are in Austin... Step mom Rene, mom Carolyn and three sisters.  No word on where his father might be.  You would think someone with sisters would be nicer to girls.  But within seconds we learn that his sisters are his 'ENABLERS'  - With comments like -- Guys are always jealous of you, Wesley.  They always have been.  Let's blow sunshine up ole Wesley's backside.  I mean when someone's mother tell you he has a kind heart, he obviously does.  No budding rock star wants to be a one-woman man, Jillian.  I am so over Wes and this storyline.  I don't even want to write about it anymore.

Just as Jillian cant handle anymore surprises... knock knock knock... Surprise.  Ed.  I realized I called this 2 weeks ago, but I cannot tell a lie, I was SUPER excited to see him.  He realizes that he made a huge mistake.  He needed to re-prioritize.  He wants another shot.  Jillian was so upset that day he left.  Duh.  She thought about him 'tonz' --  He knows what he is up against.  But there isn't anyone there that is more compatible than him.  He is going to be transparent -- He just wants another shot. He promises not to let her down again.  I am guessing her went home to whatever was so important at work, he finished it in a week, said he was gonna use the rest of his vacay, gave Mike a hollar and POOF - Come to the rose ceremony, Ed...

Note to Ed, to say I am super excited you have decided to rejoin this cluster, is putting it mildly,  but can we talk about your hair?  Did you strategically place every one of those little spikeys?  Is it cool to use an entire can of gel on straight no-real-movement hair?  We should rethink this. 

Now then, I liked the yellow column dress, but WTH was that bejeweled empire waist band.  And do Jillian's facial expressions make anyone else want to jump through the television?  And her profile.  I didn't find any of this particularly annoying til tonight.  And her accent.  The accent is just awful. This train wreck is killing me.  Some of the best material on television and yet some of the most ridiculous people to ever grace the small screen.

Couchtime with Chris. I am never ceased to be amazed with how interested Chris looks in a story he has heard countless times before.  When she is ready she is going to go in for the ceremony, but only after she looks at the pictures to make sure she is picking the right ones.  Is it really still necessary, Mike?

When Ed walks out, poor Mikey Mike knew that he wasn't getting a rose.  I thought those guys were going to jump Ed.  They knew he was a front runner, they all secretly did the meposian happy dance when he left and now he is back.  And then out comes Jill to some riveting harp music. 

Jill thanks them for sharing their families.  Blah blah blah...Roses.

Reid. You finally showing affection has earned you a rose.  That and your mom thought she was 'adorable'

Kiptyn.  Your family's manse, hot tub, and the Kiptynite earned you this rose. You are still going to be top two.

Ed. WOO-WOO.  Welcome back, old friend.  I hope that it works out for you, but there is a little part of me that worries it will be YOU that wont be able to get it up in an upcoming episode and that makes me sad again.

Wes.  Jillian you have just proven yourself a bigger moron than ever before.  Jillian you have not shed your last tear over Wes.  Not at all.  He will make you cry like you have never cried before this is over.  Don't say I didn't tell you so...

Frankly, I really thought she and Jesse connected at the vineyard.  The family, the rockband, the vino.  Granted maybe that vest was a deal breaker or maybe your brother did smell like a mix of Patchouli and Axe cologne/deodorant.  But Jesse you will be so popular, the ladies will help you forget all about Jill.

And Mikey.  You will watch your confessional video at the end and cringe for many years to come.  Your buddies will make fun of you for a multitude of things, but I imagine 'I straight up loved that girl, didn't I' is going to be the longest running joke line for you for now.

Next week.  One on one dates in Espana.  And the hint that Wes is going to drink too much and tangle his words... So much drama, so little time...