You may not care that my Continental Chase card called me today to ask if I was in a N Riverside, IL Best Buy or Toys-R-Us, and if I wasn't - did I have my card in my possession? Fraud. Unfortunate and they were hearty shoppers. Violated and an annoyance. You probably don't care about that headache, but you might care what I think about the Oscars...
I love Neil Patrick Harris and I am pretty sure that by the end of this everyone is going to realize that he should sing and dance and present at every awards show! I am doubting Steve and Alec, and in the first several minutes I am not feeling it. Poor Vera Formiga, she looked so deer-in-headlights when they said her name. Although Precious didn't get the videogame reference, I love The Jerk reference, nice, Steve, 'both born a poor black child'. Ba dum bump. Woody Harrelson's wife looks like a overwhelmingly happy nail technician (you thought it, I said it) Avatar, Cameron talk. And then pan to George Clooney. Who I read on twitter is quoted as saying (about Elisabetta) "She doesn't understand English". Which, according to two men in particular that I know makes her a real catch. It's debatable.
Here comes pretty Penelope Cruz, in a pretty, but too much dress. And her hair looks like mine when I work out. We are about 16 minutes in and I can officially tell you, I have a lot of movies to catch up on. A lot! Supporting Actor, according to Roger Ebert and everything else I have read in the last few weeks, Christoph Waltz will win. And he does. And with such a gracious speech. Supposedly, Tarantino wasn't moving forward with Inglourious Basterds because he couldn't find the right person for the role Christoph played and within 5 minutes of meeting Christolph Waltz, he knew.
Oh Ryan Reynolds, to think that I never thought much of you until the last yearish. Whatever was wrong with me? You can stand under a spotlight and talk to me about whatever you want, whenever you want. And Sandra Bullock, you look amazing!
At this point, my-refuses-to-admit-that-she-needs-a-hearing-aid aunt shouts to the room that Cameron Diaz looks pudgy. And as much as I hate to say it, she may have a point. Something about Cameron just doesn't look right. Her hair is too long, her dress has way too much skirt and train, her lips are so red, and she is so focused on reading the teleprompter that she calls Steve Carrell Jude Law. Evidently, it was supposed to be Jude, with a last minute step in from Steve. None the less, she has fantastic arms and shoulders, so I will jump the puffy hurdle. Pete Docter wins for Up for Animated Feature Film. 'Never did I dream that making a flip book out of my third grade math book would lead to this. I haven't seen Up, but Pete Docter was nominated for Toy Story, which I loved so this could be a missed-you-the-first-time-catch-you-on-the-flip Oscar. It happens.
Amanda Siefred and Miley Cyrus are presenting original song together now. And talk about too much dress. If Miley takes a deep breath, something on that dress might pop. Not to mention her posture, it is as though she is trying to pose like one of those models in the Louis Vuitton ads that curves her back, tries to accentuate her collar bones and just looks all around uncomfortable. And Mamma Mia girl, you are young, cute and thin, fire whoever was overpaid and wrong that told you wear such a dress. Do you have on a petty coat or is that just several bolts of glittered fabric for that train. Girl, that is what we call a fail. Ray Bingham and T Bone Burnett -- Bingham opens with a shout out to his wife, 'Baby, I love you more than rainbows" - I am gonna guess he either really digs rainbows or she dared him to say that. Or maybe it is a reference to the movie. I do want to see you Crazy Heart. My deaf, albeit entertaining, aunt loved you, she just shouted it over the clapping and cute Maggie Gyllenhaal over-smiling with pride as she watches yall go to the stage. None the less, T Bone barely gets in a 'thank you' with his Ray Charles Ray Bans. Maybe his eyes were dialated, or maybe his wife doesn't love him more than rainbows and clocked him, or maybe he had some sort of crazy cataract surgery and I am merely an ass. Stranger things have happened.
Chris Pine now in the spotlight telling us about District 9. Bring back Ryan Reynolds. I have little desire to see District 9. Not that anyone asked.
Robert Downey Jr and Tina Fey are talking about best original screenplay. Your eyes get dialated too, RD, jr? Is the showing the copy from the screenplay on the screen over the shot a new thing. I don't think I like it so much. Winner - The Hurt Locker. It is his first Academy Award. He oddly resembles a troll. Nice acceptance speech, with props to all those serving overseas. I did get a little verklempt when he talked about his father who died just a month before - how bittersweet.
And now an unexpected tribute to John Hughes. Oh how I loved you John Hughes. Died too young. Love that Matthew Broderick is Ferris Bueller. One of my most favorite movies. Judd Nelson, yellow colored round rims? And that vest! What went wrong? Anthony Michael Hall, I see you in commercials for your show and I can't figure out what happened to your face. I mean that nicely, you honestly do not resemble any bits of your younger self. Molly Ringwald, they bring you back to the forefront and you and your stylist decide on that outfit? It has some inlaid metal in it and the single shoulder with that much fabric makes you bigger than you actually are. And let's not start on that hair. Life moves pretty fast, you don't stop to look around once in a while you might miss it.
Samuel Jackson in the spotlight annoucing the Up trailer. SJ, I love that you always wear your Kangol hat. Where is Ryan Reynolds.
Zoe Saldana and Kerry Mulligan. Both wearing cocktail party in the front and formal affair in the back dresses. Why? Zoe's looks like someone put an abundance of dusting feathers all over the skirt. Like she is taking care of the cleaning crews job. They announced several 'shorts' categories. It took too long. Except when that Prudence film won for Documentary Short Subject. Poor guy was trying to find his words and then like Ursula in the Little Mermaid, this Elinor lady hits the stage like an octopus. What a train wreck. [supposedly here is scoop on the Kanye-esque move] That guy is going to tear her apart in the back. The longer I watch them talk, I really want to cut off the top part of Zoe's dress and reattach it to a short skirt with the dust feathers. It could work, but sadly it just doesn't as is...
Ben Stiller as an Avatar speaking in whatever the Avatar new language is -- true. They made a language for Avatar, as in worked with a Linguist and came up with a real language that nerds who have beat Worlds of Warcraft are now skype-ing to each other all over the world. I am having a hard time watching these shananagins. Fastforward. And the Oscar goes to, Star Trek. Didn't see that either.
Is it weird that Jeff Bridges is in the spotlight announcing A Serious Man when he is nominated for Crazy Heart? Confusing.
Jake Gyllenhaal, precious. Rachel McAdams, too much dress. I am sensing a theme. Adapted Screenplay - Precious. Geoffrey Fletcher sure didn't sound like he practiced in front of a mirror for his Oscar. Even I have practiced in front of a mirror, not only for an Oscar, but for a Grammy and I am undoubtedly tone deaf.
Why is the Designing Women theme music playing when Queen Latifa walks onto the stage? I don't get it. I do love the highlights from the Governor's Award. I think Lauran Bacall is the coolest.
Best Supporting Actress from Robin Williams. Mork, you don't really do much for me. Monique wins. And I liked her Golden Globes speech better. But she looks good. Quick pan to Lenny Kravitz in the audience - Lenny why are you there? How are you so attractive? Why do you have on sunglasses, dialation earlier today, too? Why does Monique thank her lawyers? Quite the shout out, gave the whole firm name? Hmm.
Colin Firth in the spotlight for An Education. Colin Firth, if Ryan Reynolds is busy, you can take his place. I'm just sayin'
Signorey Weaver, you are usually so fabulous. And your face, fabulous, still. But that dress makes you look wider than you are - and no one wants that. No one. Winner - Avatar for Art Direction.
Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker. You are both fabulous. SJP, you look fabulous, except for that hair. Tom Ford, such a diservice to heterosexual women everywhere, you are Stun.Ing. Stunning. Seriously. It's not flattery or fibs, all truth. Stunning. Winner - Costume Design, Sandy Powell, Young Victoria. Sandy, your hat is fierce. Your dress, super fun and festive. Your speech, eh. So far I have noticed eyes dialated in sunglasses T Bone and Cameron Diaz chewing gum. Nicorette?
Spotlight, Charlize Theron. The roses that rest on your breasts in that strapless gownish ditty you have on -- no. you are so very pretty, and such a great figure. Why?
I am not feeling Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, I haven't really laughed at them. Maybe the balls joke earlier, but not to much. I wish Kristen Stewart wore some jewelry. I get the simplicity, but its too naked and needs a little umph. Horror montage. Eh.
Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick. I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life. That would be the coolest. Best Sound Editing - And the Oscar goes to.... Hurt Locker. Makes sense, I suppose, with all that gun fire, bombs and background noise? But Paul NJ Ottoson, now that you won the Academy Award, you should get a real haircut. Do not pass go, do not collect your swag bag, let your wife scoop it up for you, go straight to the salon and let them do something with that mess. Stat! And before I can actually realize what is happening, Ottoson wins again. A second sound award. Wow.
Elizabeth Banks. Pretty dress. But too much for you too. I hope some of your stylists get the ax tomorrow... Super nano technology. Really nano? She shows us a photo of the winners. I guess that is good enough.
John Travolta in the spotlight for Inglourious Basterds
And now Sandra Bullock who looks tremendous and makes friends with the cinematographer first, FYI. Winner, Avatar. He talks a little in Italian. He is cute.
They play the Ghost music to announce Demi Moore. Her dress is a risk, but I am liking it. This is my FAVORITE part of the Oscars, the dead person montage. LOVE this. And love that James Taylor is serendaing us. Patrick Swayze starts us off. I forgot Dom Delouise died. Brittany Murphy. Larry Gelbart wrote Tootsie, my brother and I loved that movie as kids. MJ, Natasha Richardson, Karl Malden. Um, where is Farrah Fawcett. It wasn't enough that Michael Jackson upstaged her death, but they left her off the Death Montage? Ryan O'Neill is blowing up every phone number he has for anyone in the business that will listen to him. What were they thinking?!
JLo in too much dress on only one side and hair that actually looks similar to mine when I am working out. Why Jenny from the block? Did Marc Anthony not let you out of the house to get to the salon? And now we have a halftime dance ditty in which everyone has spit out their nicorette and is actually on the balcony sucking down a cancer stick as fast as they are able. Best Original Score is the award following Dance TV - Up.
Gerry Butler and Bradley Cooper. Oh the funny story I have about Gerry Butler, not my story to tell though. But funny. Visual Effects winner - Avatar. That was a logical given. Bradley Cooper is hot. And funny. And cocky. But hot.
Spotlight, Jason Bateman. Giving the background on Up in the Air Ryan Reynolds is seated behind Clooney, so we get a by proxy sighting.
Matt Damon. I always and will forever think of Snorris Tingle Greer whenever I see Matt Damon. Matt, if you knew how she loved you in college and beyond. It wasn't natural, was oddly endearing, a tinge annoying and 110% real. She loved you. And probably still holds a small candle for you. I personally, always liked you, but Snorris, that wasn't just love, it was obsession, lust and overall young love. Total digression, but some documentary called the Cove received the Oscar. Fisher Stevens who is better known for, well I don't know what he is better known for exactly, but you totally know who he is. Yay for him.
Tyler Perry. Explains what a film editor does. Film Editor a husband and wife team for the Hurt Locker. I would say this Hurt Locker is the movie to hussle up and see.
Keanu Reeves in the spotlight showing us The Hurt Locker. Haven't seen you since somewhere between Sweet November and The Matrix. Welcome back.
The Pedro guy with Quinton for best foreign language film. Pedro, your hair oddly and too closely resembles Don King's hair. Only less height. You should fire your stylist (aka your wife or daughter) and clip that mop of yours ASAP... like see if Steve Martin has a flowbee in the back - I would bet you a Benjamin, there is something back stage to help you! Winner - The secret in their eyes, Argentina, best foreign language film. Very gracious, pretty Argentines all on stage to receive award. Sweet man talking over music. Endearing.
Kathy Bates in the spotlight - the final spotlight - for Avatar. You look good, Kathy. Loved you in Misery.
I wish Colin Farrel would get rid of the both ears pierced. I like Michelle Pfeiffer in red, more than I ever dreamed. I love Vera's description of Clooney. I like to think that is all absolutely true. Julianne Moore makes me like Colin Firth more, which I honestly did not believe was possible. I said it before and I will say it again, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my not so exciting life. I love that Colin Farrell had such fun loving things to say about Jeremy. I love to think that people in Hollywood are actually friends. It's the sweet innocent child in me who strongly believes in leprechauns wearing funny little hats, good always outweighing evil and that rainbows sneak into plain view daily. And furthermore, I think Kate Winslet is such a rare, classic Hollywood beauty. She is just magnificent.
And with that my Uverse stopped taping and I am heartbroken. Damn.
I have searched the interweb. I watched literally someone taping the Oscars from their cell phone in their living room, but at least I got to see the main events...
Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Jeff Bridges is so excited. Love it. I cannot find who spoke and said what about each actress nominee which is killing me. But I must say that Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech brought me to tears (not that it is all that hard admittedly) She was funny, quirky, honest and true. It is what makes America love her. And to see her dear gentle giant, Jesse with a slight lip quiver and teary, what a fabulous fabulous win. I love his pride for her. We all deserve the fairy tale. I couldn't find Barbra Streisand actually announcing Kathryn Bigelow as best director, but I did see her on stage - is she puffy? Puffier than Cameron Diaz tonight. What did she do to her face? Babs, not the Point Break genius. I thought that Kathryn was well spoken and sincere. And I felt a tinge of 'girl power' that she beat her ex-husband James Cameron. Tom Hanks easily gave the fastest schpeel about the best motion picture before announcing the Hurt Locker, perhaps ever! And then it was over, too long and too much dress on almost everyone. I am going to have to go back and watch the pregame fashion show tomorrow at some point...
have a good week, good people.
